Looking back on the last 4/5 years I can say that I have come a long way, to say the least. I can still think about my first thoughts of me being “fat”. In the 4th grade I began to trade my lunch with my friends for a yogurt. Yes, just a yogurt. This habit continued and I quickly dropped a lot of weight, by the time I was eighth grade, I was at a low of 115-120 pounds, I was mute and I didn’t like one thing about myself. One day I was feeling a little better about myself because I was in a relationship, well it wasn’t really a relationship. But I was someone who I thought made someone feel good only thing was not in public. At this point in my life it was the best thing I could do for myself, I hadn’t felt this good in a long time. But I could only be the love in the dark, I quickly fell into another spell of depression and lost what little bit of weight I could.
Fast-forward to now and I still have to remind myself to think of myself differently and this is where I found body acceptance. My biggest issues has always been how I felt about my body, and the issue of being “big”, in every sense of that word. Even at my smallest I couldn’t make my thighs not touch, they have always touched. They have always been big. In my recent find of body acceptance, I have come to understand the thick thighs truly save lives and help me open doors but it is still an insecurity to me. Why? Because I’d like to wear skirts. and these thighs touch, they touch and they rub and it makes wearing skirts uncomfortable, or I have convinced myself that it is not only uncomfortable but because my thighs are big that I shouldn’t wear skirts in efforts to not “show all the goods”. So I have avoided skirts and in avoiding skirts I’ve said bye-bye to some pretty cute outfits. More recently I have challenged myself to buy a few skirts and I have been rocking them and the more I wear them, the more I accept myself as I am, its no longer a big deal. The issue isn’t that I have an insecurity, the issue is that I had allowed the insecurity to stop me from doing something that I want to do, something that other people might not even notice as much as I think they would. And if they do, so what.
So I appreciate babe.wear and how it is continuing to challenge me to not only talk about my biggest insecurity but wear it on my chest. It is asking me, if I really am that insecure about it will I be able to put it out there for the world to see. Even better it is questioning the world to change how they look at me, I get to reclaim this insecurity and turn it into something to be celebrated.
Now, don’t get me wrong, this a process that is 10 years in the making. The notion of body acceptance and getting there is a long one, and everyday isn’t the same. The difference is you let yourself live, you accept what is in front of you and change how you think about yourself, with a more positive twist. Even though these thighs touch, somebody likes it. Hell, I like it!
In the words of babe.wear creator Kait Payne, “You’re a babe DESPITE your flaws. You’re just a freakin’ babe.”
Now doesn’t that feel good? 🙂
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Loving and Rising,