That One Time I Forgot I Was The Shit.

Raise your hand if you have ever felt like you were in a rut? While being in a relationship? While the summer time hits? While working?

Well honestly this might have been me for the 8 months and I didn’t even know it. If I look back on myself this time last year, I was still in a relationship with the same person, but I was truly feeling myself… and lately I have been wondering why I haven’t been feeling my best or wearing make up or TRYING TO BE CUTE ( a literal disregard of my appearance… it’s actually quite sad). Now this isn’t like me. I think it is important to feel good about yourself and to recognize the things you love about yourself even while loving someone else, even when things around you might be going bad or just you know life. In the midst of falling in love ( with the hardships that come after the honeymoon stage) and school and depression and other life problems… I forgot I was the shit.

Now I know some people might think it is shallow to speak/think this way but it’s really not. Because I am confident in what I have and who I am and I just lost my way for a little bit. And that’s the sad part, because if I am not my best self, then my relationship is effected, my school work, friendships, my cuteness level… I mean the list can literally go on.

I cannot stress how super important it is to care about yourself, to want yourself and to feel like you are wanted. Its the same thing that happens in relationships, sometimes someone gets too comfortable, and everything hits the fan because the other doesn’t feel wanted or desired, but this time it’s with yourself. Because you can’t look for life or an relationship to affirm that or even you partner it has to start with you.

I have not wanted to get cute lately, I haven’t wanted to buy new clothes or makeup let alone put it on. And this really makes me sad… because I have to remember that I am great, I am wonderful and I am worth paying attention too. I know its an age old idea but you get lost sometimes in life and you forget about yourself, your image and your state of mind.

I have been feeling super down and insecure. And that’s just not like me … its hard to inspire others to be their best selves when you can’t even do it yourself. I don’t believe in holding people to standards that I cannot hold myself to.

How did I get here? 

Honestly, I couldn’t point out the exact moment but with life seeming like it is falling apart its super hard to pay attention to anything but the bad things. I’ve let things pile up.. I  haven’t been allowing myself to do the things  I need to. Whether it be grieving, yelling, crying or feeling.It’s been so bad I have even saying what I needed. I wound up hurting myself more in the end and it’s been effecting everything.

How am I going to fix it? 

Well first I have to give you some back story. My favorite flower is a sunflower. Its my favorite because it was my grandfathers favorite flower, but also because no matter where you plant a sunflower, it’ll  always grow towards the sun. It always finds it’s way.  I used to call myself a sunflower and used to try to convert people to what I called the ‘sunflower lifestyle’… a life filled with always trying to find the sun no matter what might be in the way. Recently, the idea of a sunflower hasn’t even crossed my mind… until today where I found a mini sunflower pot that I bought but never planted.

This idea is so deeply embedded in me (I mean thats the whole point of my blog, I want to always find a way to rise even when life might find it’s way to get to me)  and I don’t know how I got so super far from it, but it is important that I get back there, because in order to be happy you have to choose happy. To be completely honest, I am tired of feeling like shit. Not THE shit, but literally shit, flies and all.

So starting today I am going to reconnect with the roots that I planted for myself, I need to ground myself again in the only way I know best. Reading, feeling ,walking, sunshine  eating, a tattoo and of course rising.

While doing those things I will forgive myself, I will forgive my partner, I will forgive life. Because its all too heavy of a burden to carry.

I can’t say that I will never forget that I am the shit again, and I can’t bet that this will forever be how I solve this but…….

Like a sunflower I will always find a way to rise.

Loving and rising,

Asa :*

p.s hold me accountable to that, i will really appreciate it.

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