Hey friends, hey friends. I know it has been an incredibly long time, but your girl had to get herself together. Over the past six months I have literally been gone, got cheated on while finding out where my core is while still being a college student, a junior to be exact. This post is way overdue but is totally needed at this point in time. I need it to mark my growth from my last post, to mark my change and hopefully to ground me… as that is the ultimate goal of my blog.
So the last time you saw me, I was trying to find myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who was/is tackling identity issues I will never be able to feel/sense or imagine. Although, that’s not the issue, trying to feel or imagine as we are all individuals naturally and our experiences are the only truths we can hold on too. But, after this relationship, one I thought I would be in forever, my Taurus sun sign nature kicked in. I no longer had a plan, I no longer had my future planned out by every little detail. I was out of control. For someone like me, this was absolutely EARTH SHATTERING, as I write this it is still earth shattering, my lungs hint at wanting to collapse, but I remind myself to stand taller, or crawl smaller, both being valid. Something I need to remind myself of often.
In this incredibly reflective time for me right before the new year, I am sitting here… writing and trying to understand where I went “wrong”, not in the relationship but rather to myself. In a conversation with my friend, I realized a character flaw I possess. Or it feels like flaw. I have learned, that I am confused as to what confidence and self love actually mean. The media and people will have you thinking that confidence is something you gain and once you’re reached the top, you never have to look back. Like its secret club for those who have gone through the right steps to achieve the ultimate not needing to care and self comfort. I am realizing that that might just be a lie and if you put love on top of all of that then forget about it.
In my last post I talked about “forgetting” that I was the shit, but I realize that I might not have ever thought I was the shit and what I allowed myself to accept, the level that I might have lowered myself too might have been the issue. I can openly admit I do not think I am special. That is not to sound shallow or even equate thinking that to confidence, but I honestly do not see myself any differently than any other human being. I imagine in my mind me, looking up at others. In every aspect of life, I describe myself as a behind the scenes person, often too nice and someone who cares too damn much. I have recently asked myself, “ what are you getting out of any of this?”. It brings me to tears to say the answer is almost always little to nothing. I hang on/stay in/love in situations and people because they express a need for me and I am so incredibly willing to create a world, a safe place that I sometimes cannot see or place myself in. I will so much as make my back break to catch someone’s smile. The radical idea would be doing that for myself… and honestly I don’t even know where to start.
In the past two weeks as the cheating is still very fresh, I have questioned everything about myself and can relate to the interlude of “Hold Up” from Beyonce’s Lemonade more than ever before. I have avoided mirrors, I have made a vow to celibacy and I have indulged in television. I have not be inspired to mope, and I don’t feel like I need to find myself. I think I have to radically change how I view myself. I am not simply a sandpaper girl that lovers come and go, fixing what they need to get fixed, getting love and space to grow.I am not a soul that should be used or exploited for the very qualities that make me, well me.
I am special. As we all are. I fear I might have lied to you all, or you got the impression that I had it together, I promise you I do not and in admitting that, I have to admit that if there was ever a time I needed to rise, to grow, to find the light that is within, its is now. This is a transformative time. I hope you are willing to grow with me.
Loving and (always) Rising,