hi, hello, hi, hello what’s good with you?
how your spirit feel?
how you feeling?
the last 6 months or so have been a whirlwind, so much has happened and if i’m being honest, i’m looking back at it grateful. That’s not to say it didn’t hurt like hell while it was happening, but i can honestly say i think i experienced my first rock bottom, but that also means i have reached my first come back too.
I was proposed to. I said yes and a week or so later felt an uproar in my body. It was like the thing i had wanted for so long and had planned for so long, wasn’t the stake in the ground as i imagined it to be. in fact, it felt foreign, not quite right.
I lost a close friend, reacted horribly to that loss, i didn’t allow myself to spend the time and care that that relationship deserved.
I don’t remember much about March besides, taking a leap of faith. and applying for a fellowship that was based in a city that wasn’t on the list because of my engagement.
Worked on my thesis.
Ended my engagement.
Cut my hair off.
Really ended my engagement in that i stopped playing myself by holding on to something that obviously wasn’t holding on to me. ended communication.
got that leap of faith fellowship. which i start in august. (yay!)
turned 22. which was actually one of my best birthdays to date, minus how the night ended but it beez like that.
i felt.. free, light and slightly joyful. i worried why i wasn’t crumbling. i worried that i hadn’t been crying, i knew it would catch up with me.
introduced to a new love, a water sign love and began to understand what it meant to blossom, to take up room, to feel what it felt like to be cared about for simply being and not because i could BE something to someone. new. revolutionary. deep. for me.
my therapist told me i had masochistic tendencies and that self harm isn’t always just physically hurting yourself. but emotionally doing so. she told me that i was living life behind a “shield” of glass, but glass shatters, and its heavy and even though its clear you can’t stick your hand through. she told me i was living life behind this glass. while my favorite meal was in front of me, all i had to do was get rid of that glass. she told me to drop that people pleasing shit. she told me to enjoy for enjoying sake. to ride it out. to fulfill myself. i left therapy that day real confused.
graduated. made my mother and grandmother proud. danced to zion with my mother at 22 as i did at 4. as i did days before i left for college.
went through a hardship with another close friend. it seemed resolved in the moment or maybe not.
lost another friend.
the tears, the anger, the pain, the depth, the weeping, the purging i had been waiting for in april found its way to me. and unlike myself i allowed it to fully consume me. it was the only thing i could see, the only thing i could feel, the only thing i could talk about. i could not hear anyone else, i could not keep eye contact, i could not provide. my capacity only had room for myself, or what shambles of myself looked like. i lost a friend.
it felt like a slap in the face. recently in the most recent episode of Revolution Ramblings, @AmberKhan mentioned that she didn’t think the hurting would start after the fact. that was so incredibly true.
my body ached, i could not eat, i painted. i screamed, i was still, i was chaos.
i got a cover-up/addition tattoo. i cried. we all know the body knows grief and pain, this tattoo even though it is almost a month old still itches, every once in a while it feels like it is on fire. in the same way my healing around this person comes in waves, sometimes a little itch, sometimes incredibly intensely. but i’ve created or rather discovered a salve to this. to all my hurt thus far really.
my mother tells me she can tell that i’ve started liking myself. i smile because for the first time in my whole life, i can actually feel a shift in how i think about myself, who i think i am, what i think i deserve.
cancer season asked me to come back to the water. asked me to return to myself in a way i had been avoiding for a year now. it asked me to look at myself with the clearest of eyes. i had been so afraid to change. i used to believe that my changing would cause people not to like/love me anymore. that i had to remain the same in order to sustain the relationships i valued. how tragic, how sad, how minimizing. i used to also think that being alone meant i was not liked, the idea of being alone with myself made me deeply uncomfortable. i hadn’t realized that that was because i didn’t like myself, that my discomfort was a self induced neglect of discovering her, truly centering the depths of myself. a psychological self-harm. a wound years deep.
i have made so many connections. i have apologized for moments of meanness, disconnection and avoidance. i have been humbled by the workings of the universe and god herself. i have been reminded of that power and been introduced to my own. i have reconnected with souls that pour into me so effortlessly. i have been able to fully return the favor. my cup has been finally refilled. in a way that feels good to me.
my body, my spirit and my heart have been clear enough to not hold on to things for the sake of feeling like i needed them, for the sake of loyalty but i have had the strength to ask if i needed it truly, if it had been loyal to me. or was i slipping back into that people pleasing shit i had been warned against months prior.
i spent a lot of time thinking of the people who left, because they are on their own journeys that i had not been grateful for those whose journey lead them to stay. or to be reintroduced to me, folx who had been on the outskirts and because of my own self-esteem i couldn’t lift my head up high enough to see them.
i am writing now because it truly is an end of an era. an end of a chapter. a rebirth.
i remain humbled. i remain thankful.
i remain myself, inklings of liking.. working toward loving myself truly.
i thank all of those who are here, all of those who were and all of those making their way to me.
i am excited for what is to come.
i feel joy.
so like i said it has been quite a whirlwind but i couldn’t be more grateful. i couldn’t be more humbled.
i hope this helps someone, somehow… maybe lol who knows.
loving, rising and trying,