coming undone. jan 2019.

Hi hi hi!

Have you missed me? I have missed yall but to be honest, it’s been a bit harder for me to come back to you. You’ve always welcomed me with open arms and yet I have been nervous, lots of unpublished pieces somewhere in my notes and my journal. But today, something about today I feel like I have to come back to the one thing that I know really well, and that’s this platform. It has been so many years that I’ve had this blog, it was a new year resolution for me for 2016 I think? I started it in Jan 9th of 2016, so much has changed, so much has shifted and my god you have no idea how happy that makes me, to know that change has happened.

Going into 2019, I am humbled, I have come on my own with open arms, today all day, the full 24 hours as I haven’t slept I have heard a song over and over in my head. The lyric is my head is from the gospel song take me to the king, I wouldn’t consider myself particularly religious but I am deeply spiritual and when something sounds or feels right then I follow that. This holiday season was extremely hard for me. Outside of my normal anxieties of being home and sharing space with family and having to return to my childhood coping mechanisms that I literally go to therapy every week to unlearned and undo… for three straight weeks that does not matter. That work could literally fly out of the window, and it does. And it did.

This holiday season my family dealt with something we hadn’t been prepared for. Our matriarch fell. She had to resign from her throne, her life depended on it. My grandmother has been sick for quite some time and this holiday season her body could not sustain her in the same ways. The doctors were shocked that she was able to walk into the hospital & thank god herself that she walked out.

This has been a huge strain on us all emotionally. I mentioned I am already working in a space on which I am not my full self. This was also the first holiday season where I was single. Now yes you may roll your eyes but my romantic relationship has been a space in which I was receiving emotional support in the ways I needed it on a fairly consistent basis, it made family dynamics easier and always gave me a way out, my exit plan I didn’t have this year and I felt the difference tremendously.

As some of you may know I quit my job, I quit my job because I was literally miserable and the two weeks before I put in my resignation letter my boss hadn’t spoken to me, he used co-workers to ask me questions,  ignored me in the hallways, and made rude comments about my eating habits on a fairly regular basis. My co-workers began to check on me on an even more. I was having panic attacks, every day at the same time. In addition to that direct neglect and disrespect in the office, I was under a different strain as soon the folx that work at the school our program was in misunderstood my stance when it came to how they were dealing with their black and brown students. In my rage and disappointment, I spoke to faculty and my words were passed along and misconstrued for me saying they were racist. Now, there is so much to be said about this interpretation as well as how my body was being read in that space anyway, surrounded by cis white amen my every move was memorable. I was “an example to the kids of what it means to be a strong, opinionated, strong-willed woman”. With all of this happening combined with my clear discomfort within the role. I left.

These past few weeks really have been eye-opening for me in a multitude of ways. It has opened my eyes to the ways in which I have grown, honestly and truly. It has given me the chance to remind myself that I am proud of what and who I am. It has given me the opportunity to call on friends in ways I hadn’t before, for support for laughs and just space. It has given me the chance to speak to my parents candidly, about what it means for me to be back here, what it means to be the oldest sibling, the list obviously goes on.

But today, I cried every hour on the hour, I haven’t slept in two days and I didn’t know why until I sat down and started writing. For as long as I can remember my motto has been to keep moving forward. No matter what, no matter the circumstance cause I have goals and my mom, my Grama and all the wimmin in my family have a stake in me, they are counting on me. They are waiting for this one moment and when I get there it’ll be glorious, I would be lying if I told y’all I had a plan for afterward. The other day my mother said to me,  “you’ve done all I have asked if you Nyasa and I just want you to rest. You don’t need to take on anything that isn’t already yours.”

These last couple of days I have been coming undone, I have been breaking not apart just open.

I offer this as a testimony and nothing more. I pray Y’all are doing alright, I pray Y’all are laughing and learning and moving BIG and BOLD.

I am also here to note that I will be posting here, at least once a month in 2019. 

This is 20-mine-teen and we’re just getting started my love for Y’all is overflowing.

Coming undone,

Asa