in my reflections of parenthood, i have not been afraid that i will fail them, that i haven’t read the right book or that I am unable, i feel deeply that I am. i feel deeply that i have become the person who can have this chapter of blessings, that I have done the work.
my worry comes with all of the bullshit this world has constantly created and maintains, the white supremacy of it all, the anti-blackness tea, the isms, and the micro and the marco the house down.
i have a memory of sitting with a white woman college professor and being told her story and connection to Sethe mother to beloved. she told me that she could relate to understanding that she could not protect her children, that there would be a time it might wear off. i remember feeling deeply enraged by hearing this, by having to sit and hear it, i felt that way then and now because she couldn’t possibly understand. firstly because what is her idea of safety? in what ways do i have i had access to it? and how really the deep question is — how long did i have before it ran out? (and i know there is far more to dig into here and it took me a long time to fully understand the trauma of my college experience. long story super short, white women be wilding.)
needless to say the concept of parenting and protecting has been on my mind a long long time, faded but coming back in full circle now. i am wondering and feeling — with all the isms how can I do this? i speak from a place of understanding that is is truly not my abilities but the calculated , evil and constant interactions with the isms that keep me and many others from having the resources they truly need or resources that support their existence at all. i then ask how do the isms keep from me, from being able to be the parent i want to be?
my best friends says, “the same way you did it for yourself, with even more sprinkle” and felt right, feels right. and still i have to acknowledge that i know my protection only goes so far, not because i lack but because i would need the same protect, have needed that very same protection.
i hope this doesn’t come off as sad or anything as that is not the intention. the intention is the acknoledge some fo the deepeer thoguhts the deeper worries that have come up in my journey — the relationships with younger selves that i have had to build, and reintorduce. this remains the coolest thing have ever done and has brough on lots of questions and curiosities.
inspired always by brilliant friends, pita and kam facilitated a beautiful and viceral workshop called Playlist as Portals, “Playlists as Portals
will act as a virtual jam session composed of music journals and sonic remembrances concerned with the futurity and living histories of Black and brown diasporic people. We’ll be inspired by DJing as an archival practice (in the form of sampling, curation, and storytelling) and the non-linear temporality that defines music.”
i made a playlist called protection, listen when you need it ❤
thank you so much for hearing me,
asa
ASA HNDRX 